This is My Blossoming Era – What That Means to Me
Have you ever wanted to run away from everything you’ve ever known and start over with a new identity? I do all the time and on the internet you can do that with your blog and so I have. A new domain, new social profiles and a new purpose. I am becoming something greater than before; blossoming into who I was always supposed to be but just too scared to embrace.
I have had two partners now, who have tried to make me less than and when they realized that I would not be so easily led down that path or when I enforced boundaries for myself I became the bad guy. It was perfectly fine for them to violate me – fine for them to make me feel unsafe or set ridiculous rules around how much money I had to have in my savings account or who I could and could not talk to and what I could and could not talk to them about. But how dare I ask for the bare minimum of respect and love? In fact, both times I should have left at the first sign of disrespect. I should have left when I no longer felt safe or cared for but abandoned and alone in my relationship. My therapist even asked me when I talked to her about it, if it was a deal breaker and she let me try to make it work for months.
So when I made that blog, I think I sensed things were not working out and were not right, I wanted to have an escape plan. I wanted to make sure I had something in place “just in case.” But solid relationships don’t have contingency plans and if I had recognized the flight signal for what it was, I might have saved myself some heartache. But I wasn’t ready to let go. I wasn’t done fighting. I had not exhausted every part of myself.
I have to learn to let that desire to make everything work because I don’t want people to feel abandoned the way I have been abandoned. I understand how horrific it feels and I don’t want to inflict that on anyone, but these people are not giving me the same courtesy. They are fleeing the first time anything goes wrong without trying to work through or put in any effort.
So the gloves have come off and I am no longer masking my ADHD to fit within society. I am no longer shrinking myself to be more palatable. You can choke.
I am not hiding.
I am not staying quiet for the comfort of others.
With all due respect, and often that is none, if you cannot handle that I am shining brightly get yourself some sunglasses or go blind.
I’ve finally given myself permission to grow—untamed, soft, and unapologetic.
This era isn’t about perfection.
It’s about presence.
It’s about showing up for myself every day—especially on the hard ones—and honoring the messy beauty of where I am, right now.
What Happens Next?
Well, that is kind of a loaded question. To be honest, there is a lot up in the air right now and dependent on some legal issues, some health issues for a family member and once those two things resolve themselves or become more clear I can begin to formulate a plan.
I had been working on a plan to get back on the road full time and that is still my intention. I moved back to Nebraska to be closer to my grandpa and I told myself once he passed on that I would probably travel again. He was recently diagnosed with stage IV cancer. We are currently seeking medical attention to find treatment options. It may be that he lives another 3-5 years and it could be that he doesn’t make it past Christmas. Everyone has an hourglass, we just don’t know how much sand is left or how quickly it’s running out. But for some people we get a glimpse and for him, we discovered there isn’t much sand left and what is left is almost gone.
There is no amount of time, no amount of “previous experience” with losing people you love that makes it easier and if there was I think I would be able to tell you about it because I’ve lost so many. I am going to take to the road and honor him as best as I can the same way I intend to honor my Grams and her love of travel.
This is my return to the road—but it’s also a return to softness.
To slowness.
To freedom.
Why A New Blog?
I needed to move on from my past blog. I created it as an escape. I think I knew things were ending and I needed a clean slate. Something fresh. Something that was not tainted by my past self or relationships. To be feral is to be in my natural state, completely raw and unsophisticated as I want to be. Only being soft when it is my choice to be. To have the freedom to choose how I show up in each space. Freedom to work wherever, to create whenever, to exist however I want—without needing to ask permission or meet anyone else’s timeline. A blossoming because the transformation from wanting to hide, to stepping into my power is going to be magnificent. I am drawing my inspiration from Persephone and her decent into the Underworld. She could have gone down there a victim – kidnapped by Hades, kept from her mother and friends, etc. Instead, she became Queen of the Underworld by embracing the darkness inside her and realizing the duality in herself of being both shadow and a delicate spring flower waiting to bloom. She knows when to be both sides of herself and when not to and she does not answer to Hades but instead became his equal. Who wouldn’t have her as their role model?
A Feral Blossom isn’t just a blog.
It’s a record of rebirth.
A witness to the after.
The becoming.
I’m not just a nomad.
I’m not just an artist.
I am a wild bloom, learning to root in the now—even if the now is always moving.
This era?
It’s mine.
